BARDOLPH
(behind the curtain)
Of all the birds that ever I see,
The owl is the fairest in her degree,
For all the day long she sits in a tree,
And when the night comes, away flies she,
PETO, GADSHILL
Te whit, te who,
BARDOLPH
To whom drinks thou?
PETO, GADSHILL
Sir Knave, to you.
(Curtain rises. The scene is an upper room in The Boar’s Head Tavern, Eastcheap, in the late afternoon.)
BARDOLPH, PETO, GADSHILL
This song is well sung, I make you a vow,
And he is a knave that drinketh now.
PETO, GADSHILL
Nose, nose, jolly red nose,
And who gave thee that jolly red nose?
BARDOLPH
Cinamon, Ginger, Nutmeg, and cloves,
And that gave me my jolly red nose.
Of all the birds that ever I see,
The owl is the fairest in her degree,
For all the day long she sits in a tree,
And when the night comes, away flies she,
FALSTAFF
(outside)
Give me a cup of sack, boy.
(Falstaff enters and comes forward angrily. A Drawer with cups enters and waits behind until called. Peto, Gadshill and Bar dolph stop one by one on seeing Falstaff.)
A plague of all cowards, I say,
and a vengeance too! Marry and amen!
Ere I lead this life long,
I’ll sew nether-stocks, and mend them and foot them too.
Give me a cup of sack, rogue.
Is there no virtue extant?
BARDOLPH, GADSHILL
Give me a cup of sack, rogue.
PETO
Give me a cup of sack.
FALSTAFF
A plague of all cowards, I say,
and a vengeance too! Marry and amen!
(He drinks)
BARDOLPH, GADSHILL, PETO
A plague of all cowards, I say, and a vengeance too!
FALSTAFF
You rogue, here’s lime in this sack too!
(They fling their wine at the drawer as he runs away.)
There is nothing but roguery to be found in villanous man.
Yet a coward is worse than a cup of sack with lime in it.
A villanous coward!
Go thy ways, old Jack,
die when thou wilt;
if manhood, good manhood,
be not forgot upon the face of the earth,
then am I a shotten herring.
There lives not three good men
unhang’d in England;
and one of them is fat, and grows old.
God help the while!
A bad world, I say.
I would I were a weaver;
I could sing psalms or anything.
A plague of all cowards I say still!
(Prince and Poins come foreward)
PRINCE
How now, woolsack?
What mutter you?
FALSTAFF
A king’s son!
(goes towards him)
If I do not beat thee out
of thy kingdom with a dagger of lath,
and drive all thy subjects afore thee
like a flock of wild geese,
I’ll never wear hair
on my face more.
You Prince of Wales?
PRINCE
Why, you whoreson round man,
what’s the matter?
FALSTAFF
Are not you a coward? answer me to that:
and Poins there?
POINS
Zounds! ye fat paunch,
an ye call me coward,
by the Lord, I’ll stab thee.
FALSTAFF
I call thee coward?
I’ll see thee damned ere
I call thee coward,
but I would give a thousand pound
I could run as fast as thou canst.
You are straight enough in the shoulders;
you care not who sees Your back.
Call you that backing of your friends?
A plague upon such backing!
Give me them that will face me.
(Prince turns on him suddenly.)
FALSTAFF
Give me a cup of sack. (calling off)
(The drawer places more sack on the table and then runs off.)
I am a rogue if I drunk to-day.
(From now onwards when anyone calls for sack someone else pours it out for him.)
PRINCE
O villain! thy lips are scarce wiped since thou drunkest last.
FALSTAFF
All is one for that. (drinks)
A plague of all cowards, still say I.
PRINCE
What’s the matter?
FALSTAFF
What’s the matter?
There be four of us here have ta’en a thousand pound this day morning.
PRINCE
Where is it, Jack? Where is it?
FALSTAFF
Where is it! Taken from us it is.
A hundred upon poor four of us!
PRINCE
What, a hundred, man?
FALSTAFF
I am a rogue, if I were not at half-sword
with a dozen of them two hours together.
I have scaped by miracle.
I am eight times thrust through the doublet,
four through the hose;
my buckler cut through and through;
my sword hacked like a handsaw – ecce signum!
I never dealt better
since I was a man:
all would not do.
A plague of all cowards!
Let them speak,
If they speak more or less than truth,
they are villains and the sons of darkness.
PRINCE
Speak, sirs. How was it?
GADSHILL
We four set upon some dozen.
FALSTAFF
Sixteen at least, my lord.
GADSHILL
And bound them.
PETO
No, no, they were not bound.
FALSTAFF
You rogue, they were bound,
every man of them,
or I am a Jew else, an Ebrew Jew.
GADSHILL
As we were sharing,
some six or seven fresh men
sea upon us,
FALSTAFF
And unbound the rest,
and then come in the other.
PRINCE
What, fought you with them all?
FALSTAFF
All!
I know not what you call all,
but if I fought not with fifty of them,
I am a bunch of radish!
PRINCE
Pray God you have not murdered some of them.
FALSTAFF
Nay, that’s past praying for.
I have peppered two of them;
two I am sure I have paid,
two rogues in buckram suits.
I tell thee what, Hal, if I tell thee a lie,
spit in my face, call me horse.
Thou knowest my old ward;
here I lay, and thus I bore my point.
Four rogues in buckram let drive at me.
PRINCE
What, four? Thou saidst but two even now.
FALSTAFF
Four, Hal. I told thee four.
POINS
Ay, ay, he said four.
FALSTAFF
These four came all affront,
and mainly thrust at me.
I made me no more ado
but took all their seven points in my target, thus.
PRINCE
Seven? Why, there were but four even now.
FALSTAFF
In buckram?
POINS
Ay, four, in buckram suits.
FALSTAFF
Seven, by these hilts, or I am a villain else.
PRINCE
(aside)
Prithee let him alone.
We shall have more anon.
FALSTAFF
Dost thou hear me, Hal?
PRINCE
Ay, and mark thee too, Jack.
FALSTAFF
Do so, for it is worth the listening to.
These nine in buckram
that I told thee of…
PRINCE
So, two more already.
FALSTAFF
Their points being broken,
began to give me ground;
but I followed me close,
came in foot and hand,
and with a thought seven
of the eleven I paid
PRINCE
O monstrous!
Eleven buckram men grown out of two!
FALSTAFF
But, as the devil would have it,
three misbegotten knaves
in Kendal green
came at my back and let drive at me;
for it was so dark, Hal,
that thou couldst not see thy hand.
PRINCE
These lies are like their father that begets them;
gross as a mountain, open, palpable.
Why, thou clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool,
thou whoreson obscene, greasy tallow-catch…
FALSTAFF
What, art thou mad?
art thou mad? is not the truth the truth?
PRINCE
Why, how couldst thou know these men
in Kendal green,
when it was so dark
thou couldst not see thy hand?
Come, tell us your reason. What sayest thou to this?
POINS
Come, your reason, Jack, your reason.
FALSTAFF
What, upon compulsion?
Zounds! an I were at the strappado,
Or all the racks in the world,
I would not tell you on compulsion.
Give you a reason on compulsion?
If reasons were as plentiful
as blackberries,
I would give no man
a reason upon compulsion, I.
PRINCE
I’ll be no longer guilty, of this sin;
this sanguine coward, this bed-presser,
this horseback-breaker, this huge hill of flesh,
FALSTAFF
‘Sblood, you starveling, you elf-skin,
you dried neat’s-tongue, you stockfish!
O for breath to utter
what is like thee!
you tailor’s yard,
you sheath, you bowcase, you vile standing tuck!
PRINCE
Well, breathe awhile, and then to it again;
and when thou hast tired
thyself in base comparisons,
hear me speak but this.
POINS
Mark, Jack.
PRINCE
We two saw you four set on four,
and bound them,
and were masters of their wealth.
Mark now, how a plain tale shall put you down.
Then did we two set on you four;
and, with a word,
outfaced you from your prize, and have it;
yea, and can show it you here in the house:
and, Falstaff, you carried your guts away as nimbly,
with as quick dexterity,
and roared for mercy, and still run and roared,
as ever I heard bullcalf.
What a slave art thou,
to hack thy sword as thou hast done,
and then say it was in fight!
What trick, what device,
what starting hole
canst thou now find out to hide thee from this open
and apparent shame?
POINS
Come, let’s hear, Jack.
What trick hast thou now?
FALSTAFF
By the Lord,
I knew ye as well as he that made ye.
Why, hear you, my masters.
Was it for me to kill the heir apparent?
Should I turn upon the true prince?
Why, thou knowest I am as valiant as Hercules;
but beware instinct;
the lion will not touch the true prince.
Instinct is a great matter.
I was now a coward on instinct.
I shall think the better of myself,
and thee, during my life;
I for a valiant lion,
and thou for a true prince.
But, by the Lord, lads, I am glad you have the money
(He goes to the door and calls out.)
Hostess, clap to the doors:
Watch to-night, pray tomorrow.
(He comes forward.)
Gallants, lads, boys, hearts of gold,
all the titles of good fellowship come to you!
What, shall we be merry?
Shall we have a play extempore?
PRINCE
Content; and the argument shall be thy running away.
FALSTAFF
Ah, no more of that, Hal, an thou lovest me!
(Enter Hostess.)
HOSTESS
Marry, my lord,
there is a nobleman of the court at door
would speak with you:
he says he comes from your father.
PRINCE
Give him as much as will make him a royal man,
and send him back again to my mother.
FALSTAFF
What manner of man is he?
HOSTESS
An old man.
FALSTAFF
What doth gravity out of his bed at midnight?
Shall I give him his answer?
PRINCE
Prithee do, Jack.
FALSTAFF
Faith, and I’ll send him packing.
(Exeunt all but Prince.)
PRINCE
I know you all, and will awhile uphold
The unyoked humour of your idleness.
Yet herein will I imitate the sun,
Who doth permit the base contagious clouds
To smother up his beauty from the world,
That, when he please again to lie himself,
Being wanted, he may be more wonder’d at
By breaking through the foul and ugly mists
Of vapours that did seem to strangle him.
If all the year were playing holidays,
To sport would be as tedious as to work;
But when they seldom come, they wish’d-for come,
And nothing pleaseth but rare accidents.
So, when this loose behaviour I throw off
And pay the debt I never promised,
By how much better than my word I am,
By so much shall I falsify men’s hopes;
And, like bright metal on a sullen ground,
My reformation, glittering o’er my fault,
Shall show more goodly and attract more eyes
Than that which hath no foil to set it off.
I’ll so offend to make offence a skill,
Redeeming time when men think least I will.
(Enter Falstaff, Poins and Hostess.)
Here comes lean Jack; here comes bare-bone.
How now, my sweet creature of bombast?
How long is’t ago, Jack, since thou sawest thine own knee?
FALSTAFF
My own knee? When I was about thy years, Hal,
I was not an eagle’s talent in the waist;
I could have crept into any alderman’s thumb-ring.
A plague of sighing and grief!
It blows a man up like a bladder.
There’s villanous news abroad.
Here was Sir John Bracy from your father:
you must to the court in the morning.
That same mad fellow of the North, Percy,
and he of Wales, that gave Amamon the bastinado,
and made Lucifer cuckold,
and swore the devil
his true liegeman upon the cross of a Welsh
hook – what a plague call you him?
POINS
O, Glendower.
FALSTAFF
Owen, Owen, the same;
and his son-in-law Mortimer, and old Northumberland,
and that sprightly Scot of Scots, Douglas,
that runs a-horseback up a hill perpendicular.
Well, he is there too, and one Mordake,
and a thousand bluecaps more.
Worcester is stol’n away to-night;
thy father’s beard is turn’d white with the news;
you may buy land now as cheap as stinking mack’rel.
PRINCE
Why then, it is like, if there come a hot June,
and this civil buffeting hold,
we shall buy maidenheads as they buy hobnails, by the hundreds.
FALSTAFF
By the mass, lad, thou sayest true;
it is like we shall have
good trading that way.
But tell me, Hal, art not thou horrible afeard?
Thou being heir apparent,
could the world pick thee out
three such enemies again as that fiend Douglas,
that spirit Percy, and that devil Glendower?
Art thou not horribly afraid?
Doth not thy blood thrill at it?
PRINCE
Not a whit, i’ faith.
I lack some of thy instinct.
FALSTAFF
Well, thou wilt be horribly chid to-morrow
when thou comest to thy father:
if thou love me, practise an answer.
PRINCE
Do thou stand for my father
and examine me upon the particulars of my life.
FALSTAFF
Shall I? Content.
This chair shall be my state,
this dagger my sceptre,
and this cushion my crown.
PRINCE
Thy state is taken for a joined-stool,
thy golden scepter for a leaden dagger,
and thy precious rich crown
for a pitiful bald crown.
FALSTAFF
Well, an the fire of grace be not quite out of thee,
now shalt thou be moved.
Give me a cup of sack
to make my eyes look red,
that it may be thought I have wept;
for I must speak in passion,
and I will do it in King Cambyses’ vein.
PRINCE
Well, here is my leg.
FALSTAFF
And here is my speech.
Stand aside, nobility.
HOSTESS
O Jesu, this is excellent sport, i’ faith!
FALSTAFF
Weep not, sweet queen, for trickling tears are vain.
HOSTESS
O, the Father, how he holds his countenance
FALSTAFF
For God’s sake, lords, convey my tristful queen!
For tears do stop the floodgates of her eyes.
HOSTESS
O Jesu! he doth it as like one of these
harlotry players
as ever I see!
FALSTAFF
Peace, good pintpot;
peace, good tickle-brain.
Harry, Harry, Harry,
I do not only marvel
where thou spendest thy time,
but also how thou art accompanied;
for though the camomile,
the more it is trodden on, the faster it grows,
yet youth, the more it is wasted,
the sooner it wears.
That thou art my son
I have partly thy mother’s word,
partly my own opinion,
but chiefly a villanous trick of thine eye
and a foolish hanging of thy nether lip
that doth warrant me.
If then thou be son to me,
here lies the point:
why, being son to me,
art thou so pointed at?
Shall the blessed sun of heaven
prove a micher and eat blackberries?
A question not to be asked.
Shall the son of England
prove a thief and take purses?
A question to be asked.
There is a thing, Harry, which thou hast often heard of,
and it is known to many
in our land by the name of pitch.
This pitch,
as ancient writers do report, doth defile;
so doth the company thou keepest:
for, Harry, now I do not speak to thee in drink,
but in tears;
not in pleasure, but in passion;
not in words only,
but in woes also:
and yet there is a virtuous man
whom I have often noted in thy company,
but I know not his name.
PRINCE
What manner of man,
an it like your Majesty?
FALSTAFF
A goodly portly man, i’ faith,
and a corpulent;
of a cheerful look, a pleasing eye,
and a most noble carriage;
and, as I think, his age some fifty,
or, by’r lady,
inclining to threescore;
and now I remember me,
his name is Falstaff.
If that man should be lewdly, given,
he deceiveth me;
for, Harry, I see virtue in his looks.
If then the tree may be known by the fruit,
as the fruit by the tree,
then, peremptorily I speak it,
there is virtue in that Falstaff.
Him keep with, the rest banish.
And tell me now,
thou naughty varlet,
tell me where hast thou been this month?
PRINCE
Dost thou speak like a king?
Do thou stand for me,
and I’ll play my father.
FALSTAFF
Depose me?
If thou dost it half so gravely,
so majestically,
both in word and matter,
hang me up by the heels
for a rabbit-sucker or a poulter’s hare.
(Prince seats himself.)
PRINCE
Well, here I am set.
FALSTAFF
And here I stand: judge, my masters.
PRINCE
Now, Harry, whence come you?
FALSTAFF
My noble lord, from Eastcheap.
PRINCE
The complaints I hear of thee are grievous
FALSTAFF
‘Sblood, my lord,
they are false: nay,
I’ll tickle ye for a young prince, i’ faith.
PRINCE
Swearest thou, ungracious boy?
Henceforth ne’er look on me.
Thou art violently carried away from grace.
There is a devil
haunts thee in the likeness of an old fat man;
a tun of man is thy companion.
Why dost thou converse with that trunk of humours,
that bolting hutch of beastliness,
that swollen parcel of dropsies,
that huge bombard of sack,
that stuffed cloakbag of guts,
that roasted Manningtree ox
with the pudding in his belly,
that reverend vice,
that grey iniquity,
that father ruffian, that vanity in years?
Wherein is he good,
but to taste sack and drink it?
wherein neat and cleanly,
but to carve a capon and eat it?
wherein cunning, but in craft?
wherein crafty, but in villany?
wherein villanous, but in all things?
wherein worthy, but in nothing?
FALSTAFF
I would your Grace
would take me with you.
Whom means your Grace
PRINCE
That villanous abominable misleader of youth,
Falstaff,
that old white-bearded Satan.
FALSTAFF
My lord, the man I know.
PRINCE
I know thou dost.
FALSTAFF
But to say
I know more harm in him than in myself
were to say more than I know.
That he is old, the more the pity,
his white hairs do witness it;
but that he is, saving your reverence,
a whoremaster, that I utterly deny.
If to be old and merry be a sin,
then many an old host
that I know is damned.
If sack and sugar be a fault,
God help the wicked!
If to be fat be to be hated,
then Pharaoh’s lean kine are to be loved.
No, my good lord;
banish Peto, banish Bardolph, banish Poins;
but for sweet Jack Falstaff,
kind Jack Falstaff,
true Jack Falstaff,
valiant Jack Falstaff,
and therefore more valiant being,
as he is, old Jack Falstaff,
banish not him thy Harry’s company;
banish plump Jack,
and banish all the world!
PRINCE
I do, I will.
(Knocking heard. The Hostess runs to the door and opens it. Doll Tearsheet enters wearily.)
HOSTESS
I’ faith, sweetheart,
methinks now
you are in an excellent good temperality:
your pulsidge beats as extraordinarily
as heart would desire;
and your colour, I warrant you,
is as red as any rose, in good truth, la!
But, i’ faith, you have drunk too much canaries;
and that ‘s a marvellous searching wine,
and it perfumes the blood ere one can say
“What’s this?”
How do you now?
DOLL
Better than I was: hem!
FALSTAFF
How now, Mistress Doll!
HOSTESS
Sick of a calm; yea, good faith.
FALSTAFF
So is all her sect;
an they be once in a calm, they are sick
DOLL
You muddy rascal,
is that all the comfort you give me?
HOSTESS
By my troth, this is the old fashion;
you two never meet but you fall to some discord.
DOLL
Come,
I’ll be friends with thee, Jack:
thou art going to the wars;
and whether I shall ever see thee again or no,
there is nobody cares.
PRINCE
(aside to Poins)
This Doll Tearsheet should be some road.
POINS
I warrant you,
as common as the way between Saint Alban’s
and London.
FALSTAFF
Kiss me, Doll.
PRINCE
How might we see Falstaff bestow himself to-night
in his true colours, and not ourselves be seen?
POINS
Put on two leathern jerkins and aprons,
and wait upon him at his table as drawers
PRINCE
From a God to a bull?
a heavy descension!
it was Jove’s case.
From a prince to a prentice?
a low transformation!
that shall be mine;
for in everything the purpose must weigh with the folly.
Follow me, Ned.
(The Prince and Poins go to the back and put on jerkins and aprons.)
FALSTAFF
Thou dost give me flattering busses.
DOLL
By my troth, I kiss thee with a most constant heart.
FALSTAFF
I am old, I am old.
DOLL
I love thee better
than I love e’er a scurvy young boy of them all.
FALSTAFF
What stuff wilt have a kirtle of ?
I shall receive money o’ Thursday:
shalt have a cap tomorrow.
A merry song, come:
it grows late.
Thou’lt forget me when I am gone.
DOLL
By my troth, thou’lt set me a-weeping,
an thou sayest so
prove that ever I dress myself handsome
till thy return: well,
hearken at the end.
(Poins comes forward disguised as a Drawer.)
POINS
The music is come, sir.
FALSTAFF
Let them begin.
Sit on my knee, Doll.
Sing, sir.
(It is now sunset and the stage grows darker gradually.)
PRINCE
(comes forward, also disguised)
Devouring Time, blunt thou the lion’s paws,
And make the earth devour her own sweet brood;
Pluck the keen teeth from the fierce tiger’s jaws,
And burn the long-lived phoenix in her blood;
Make glad and sorry seasons as thou fleet’st,
And do whate’er thou wilt, swift-footed Time,
To the wide world and all her fading sweets;
But I forbid thee one most heinous crime:
O, carve not with thy hours my love’s fair brow,
Nor draw no lines there with thine antique pen;
Him in thy course untainted do allow
For beauty’s pattern to succeeding men.
Yet, do thy worst, old Time: despite thy wrong,
My love shall in my verse ever live young.
[W. Shakespeare, Sonnet 19]
FALSTAFF
(Falstaff has been disapproving of the words of the song. He suddenly interrupts. Doll is still sitting on his knee.)
When Arthur first in court began,
And was approved king,
By force of arms great victories won
And conquest home did bring.
Then into England straight he came
With fifty good and able Knights,
That resorted…
(As the Prince begins again, Doll puts her hand over Falstaff mouth.)
PRINCE
When I do count the clock that tells the time,
And see the brave day sunk in hideous night;
When I behold the violet past prime,
And sable curls all silver’d o’er with white;
When lofty trees I see barren of leaves
Which erst from heat did canopy the herd,
And summer’s green all girded up in sheaves
Borne on the bier with white and bristly beard,
Then of thy beauty do I question make,
That thou among the wastes of time must go,
Since sweets and beauties do themselves forsake
And die as fast as they see others grow;
And nothing ‘gainst Time’s scythe can make defence
Save breed, to brave him when he takes thee hence.
[W. Shakespeare, Sonnet 12]
FALSTAFF
… And many jousts and tournaments
Where to were many prest,
Wherein some knights did far excel
And eke surmount the rest
DOLL
But one Sir Lancelot du Lake
Who was approved well,
He for his deeds and feats of arms
All others did excel.
FALSTAFF
He armed rode in forest wide
And met a damsel fair
Who told him of adventures great
Whereto he gave good ear.
DOLL
“Why should I not,” quoth Lancelot,
“For that cause came I hither.”
“Thou seem’st,” quoth she, “a knight full good,
And I will bring thee thither.
FALSTAFF
Whereas a mighty knight doth dwell
That now is of great fame;
Therefore tell me what knight thou art
And what may be thy name.”
“My name is Lancelot du Lake;”
Quoth she, “It likes me than;
Here dwells a knight who never was
Yet match’d with any man.”
DOLL
She brought him to a river side,
And also to a tree,
Whereon a copper basin hung,
And many shields to see.
FALSTAFF
He struck so hard the basin broke;
And Tarquin soon he spied,
Who drove a horse before him fast,
Whereon a knight lay tied.
(March in the distance.)
HOSTESS, PRINCE, POINS
(The Prince’s voice is to predominate over the others.)
Devouring Time, blunt thou the lion’s paws,
And make the earth devour her own sweet brood;
Pluck the keen teeth from the fierce tiger’s jaws,
And burn the long-lived phoenix in her blood;
Make glad and sorry seasons as thou fleet’st,
And do whate’er thou wilt, swift-footed Time,
To the wide world and all her fading sweets;
But I forbid thee one most heinous crime:
O, carve not with thy hours my love’s fair brow,
Nor draw no lines there with thine antique pen;
Him in thy course untainted do allow
For beauty’s pattern to succeeding men.
Yet, do thy worst, old Time: despite thy wrong,
My love shall in my verse ever live young.
FALSTAFF
“Sir knight,” then said Sir Lancelot,
“Bring me that horse-load hither,
And lay him down and let him rest;
We’ll try our force together.”
DOLL
They couched their spears, (their horses ran
As though there had been thunder);
And struck them each amidst their shields,
Wherewith they broke in sunder.
FALSTAFF
Their horses backs under them,
The knights were both astound;
To avoid their horses they made haste,
And light upon the ground.
DOLL
They took them to their shields full fast,
Their swords they drew out then,
With mighty strokes most eagerly,
Each at the other ran.
FALSTAFF
They buckled then together so,
Like unto wild boars rashing,
And with their swords and shields they ran
At one another slashing.
The ground besprinkled was with blood,
Tarquin began to yield;
For he gave back for weariness,
And low did bear his shield.
(The room is now dark, but the window at the back is lit by the reflection of torches in the street below. The distant mur mur of a crowd is heard.)
DOLL
This soon Sir Lancelot espied,
He leapt upon him then,
He pulled him down upon his knee,
And rushing off his helm
FALSTAFF, DOLL
Forthwith he struck his neck in two;
And when he had so done,
From prison, threescore knights and four
Delivered every one.
(Enter Bardolph, Gadshill and Peto, hurriedly. The two latter, followed by the drawer, arrange lights in the room.)
PRINCE
How now! what news?
BARDOLPH
The king your father is at Westminster;
you must away to court, sir, presently.
PRINCE
By heaven, Poins, I feel me much to blame,
So idly to profane the precious time,
When tempest of commotion, like the south
Borne with black vapour, doth begin to melt
And drop upon our bare unarmed heads.
(Falstaff has been staring at the Prince and suddenly recognises him.)
Give me my sword and cloak.
(The Prince and Poins throw off their disguise.)
FALSTAFF
Ha! a bastard son of the king’s?
And art thou not Poins his brother?
PRINCE
Why, thou globe of sinful continents,
what a life dost thou lead
FALSTAFF
A better than thou: I am a gentleman;
thou art a drawer.
PRINCE
Very true, sir; and I come to draw you out by the ears.
(Soldiers in the distance, unseen. All listen intently.)
SOLDIERS
Stand to it noble pikemen,
and look you round about;
And shoot you right, you bowmen,
And we will keep them out;
You musket and calliver men,
Do you prove true to me,
I’ll be the foremost man in fight,
Says brave Lord Willoughby.
HOSTESS, DOLL, PRINCE,
PETO, BARDOLPH, POINS, FALSTAFF
Then courage, noble English men,
And never be dismayed,
If that we be but one to ten,
We will not be afraid
To fight with gath’ring enemies,
And set our nation free.
(Noise of troops outside. Bardolph goes to the window and opens it. Great noise as troops pass in the street.)
PRINCE
God and St. George for England!
Be ours the victory.
(Prince fastens his sword and prepares to go.)
Falstaff, goodnight
(Exeunt Prince and Poins. Renewed cheering as the Prince reaches the street. The others watch from the window.)
FALSTAFF
(turning away from the window)
Harry is valiant;
for the cold blood he did naturally inherit of his father,
he hath, like lean, sterile
and bare land, manured, husbanded
and tilled with excellent endeavour of drinking
good and good store of fertile sherris,
that he is become very hot and valiant.
If I had a thousand sons,
the first humane principle I would teach them should be,
to forswear thin potations,
and to addict themselves to sack.
PETO, GADSHILL, BARDOLPH
Forswear thin potations,
and to addict themselves to sack.
(Knocking heard.)
PISTOL
(outside)
Sir John, Good save you.
BARDOLPH
(goes to the window)
Sir, Ancient Pistol’s below,
and would speak with you.
DOLL
Hang him, swaggering rascal!
let him not come hither:
it is the foul-mouthed’st rogue in England
HOSTESS
If he swagger, let him not come here: no, by my faith;
I must live among my neighbours;
there comes no swaggerers here.
I am in good name and fame with the very best:
shut the door; I’ll no swaggerers.
I have not lived all this while, to have swaggering now:
shut the door, I pray you.
FALSTAFF
Dost thou hear, hostess?
HOSTESS
Pray ye, pacify yourself, Sir John:
there comes no swaggerers here.
FALSTAFF
Dost thou hear? it is mine ancient.
HOSTESS
Tilly-fally, Sir John, ne’er tell me:
your ancient swaggerer
comes not in my doors.
I was before Master Tisick,
the deputy, t’other day; and,
as he said to me,
‘twas no longer ago than Wednesday last,
“I’ good faith, neighbour Quickly,” says he;
Master Dumbe, our minister, was by then;
“neighbour Quickly,” says he,
“receive those that are civil; for” said he
“you are in an ill name:”
now a’ said so, I can tell whereupon:
“for,” says he, “you are an honest woman,
and well thought on;
therefore take heed what guests you receive:
receive no swaggering companions.” says he.
There comes none here:
you would bless you
to hear what he said:
no, I’ll no swaggerers.
FALSTAFF
He’s no swaggerer, hostess;
a tame cheater, i’ faith;
you may stroke him as gently as a puppy greyhound:
he’ll not swagger with a Barbary hen,
if her feathers turn back in any show of resistance.
Call him up, Bardolph.
(Exit Bardolph)
HOSTESS
Cheater, call you him?
I will bar no honest man my house,
nor no cheater:
but I do not love swaggering, by my troth;
I am the worse, when one says swagger:
feel, masters, how I shake;
look you, I warrant you.
DOLL
(soothing her)
So you do, hostess.
HOSTESS
Do I? yea, in very truth, do I,
an ‘twere an aspen leaf:
I cannot abide swaggerers.
(Door opens. Enter Pistol with two companions, and Bardolph.)
PISTOL
God save you, Sir John!
FALSTAFF
Welcome, Ancient Pistol.
Here, Pistol, I charge you with a cup of sack:
do you discharge upon mine hostess.
HOSTESS
I’ll drink no more than will do me good,
for no man’s pleasure, I.
PISTOL
Then to you, Mistress Dorothy; I will charge you.
DOLL
Charge me! I scorn you, scurvy companion.
What! you poor, base, rascally, cheating,
lack-linen mate!
Away, you mouldy rogue, away!
I am meat for your master.
PISTOL
I know you, Mistress Dorothy.
DOLL
Away, you cut-purse rascal!
you filthy bung, away! by this wine,
I’ll thrust my knife in your mouldy chaps,
an you play the saucy cuttle with me.
Away, you bottle-ale rascal!
you basket-hilt stale juggler, you!
Since when, I pray you, sir?
God’s light, with two points on your shoulder? much
PISTOL
God let me not live, but I will murder your ruff for this!
FALSTAFF
No more, Pistol; I would not have you go off here:
discharge yourself of our company, Pistol.
HOSTESS
No, good Captain Pistol; not here, sweet captain.
DOLL
Captain! thou abominable damned cheater,
art thou not ashamed to be called captain?
An captains were of my mind,
they would truncheon you out,
for taking their names upon you before you have earned them.
BARDOLPH
Pray thee, go down, good ancient.
DOLL
You a captain! you slave, for what?
for tearing a poor whore’s ruff in a bawdy-house?
FALSTAFF
Hark thee hither, Mistress Doll.
PISTOL
Not I:
I tell thee what, Corporal Bardolph,
I could tear her:
I’ll be revenged of her.
FALSTAFF
Hark thee hithe
BARDOLPH, GADSHILL, PETO
Pray thee go down.
DOLL
He a captain! hang him, rogue!
he lives upon mouldy stewed prunes and dried cakes.
A captain!
God’s light, these villains will make the word
as odious as the word “occupy;”
which was an excellent good word
before it was ill sorted:
therefore captains had need look to’t.
PISTOL
I’ll see her damned first;
to Pluto’s damned lake, by this hand,
to the infernal deep,
with Erebus and tortures vile also.
Hold hook and line, say I.
Down, down, dogs! down, faitors!
Have we not Hiren here?
HOSTESS
Good Captain Peesel, be quiet;
‘tis very late, i’ faith: I beseek you now,
aggravate your choler.
PISTOL
These be good humours, indeed!
Shall packhorses,
And hollow pampered jades of Asia,
Which cannot go but thirty mile a-day,
Compare with Caesars, and with Cannibals,
And Trojan Greeks?
nay, rather damn them with King Cerberus;
and let the welkin roar.
PISTOL’S TWO COMPANIONS
And let the welkin roar.
PISTOL
Shall we fall foul for toys?
HOSTESS
By my troth, captain, these are very bitter words.
BARDOLPH
Be gone, good ancient:
this will grow to a brawl anon.
PISTOL
Die men like dogs!
give crowns like pins! Have we not Hiren here?
HOSTESS
O’ my word, captain, there ‘s none such here.
What the good-year!
do you think I would deny her?
PISTOL
Then feed, and be fat, my fair Calipolis.
HOSTESS
For God’s sake, be quiet.
PISTOL
Come, give ‘s some sack.
“Si fortune me tormente, sperato me contento.”
Fear we broadsides?
no, let the fiend give fire:
Give me some sack:
and, sweetheart, lie thou there.
(laying down his sword)
Come we to full points here,
1st COMPANION
“Si fortune me tormente, sperato me contento.”
Fear we broadsides?
no, let the fiend give fire:
Give me some sack,
2nd COMPANION
“Si fortune me tormente, sperato me”
PISTOL
(pushing the others aside)
and are etceteras nothing?
FALSTAFF
Pistol, I would be quiet.
PISTOL
Sweet knight, I kiss thy neaf: what!
we have seen the seven stars.
DOLL
For God’s sake, thrust him down stairs!
I cannot endure such a fustian rascal.
PISTOL
Thrust him down stairs!
know we not Galloway nags?
FALSTAFF
Quoit him down, Bardolph, like a shove-groat shilling:
nay, an a’ do nothing but speak nothing,
a’ shall be nothing here.
BARDOLPH
Come, get you down stairs.
PISTOL
What! shall we have incision? shall we imbrue?
(snatching up his sword)
PETO, GADSHILL, BARDOLPH
Get you down stairs.
PISTOL
Then death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days!
Let grievous, ghastly,
gaping wounds Untwine the Sisters Three!
Come, Atropos, I say!
TWO COMPANIONS
And let the welkin roar.
HOSTESS
Here’s goodly stuff toward!
Here’s a goodly tumult!
FALSTAFF
Give me my rapier.
DOLL
I pray thee, Jack, I pray thee, do not draw
FALSTAFF
Get you down stairs.
BARDOLPH, GADSHILL, PETO
Get you down stairs.
HOSTESS
I’ll forswear keeping house,
afore I’ll be in these tirrits and frights.
So; murder, I warrant now.
(Fight. Some of the lights are overthrown.)
Put up your naked weapons,
put up your naked weapons.
Alas!
(She falls into Doll’s arms.Pistol and his companions are driven out by Falstaff men, who follow them.)
DOLL
I pray thee, Jack, be quiet;
the rascal’s gone.
Ah, you whoreson little valiant villain, you!
HOSTESS
Are you not hurt i’ the groin?
methought a’ made a shrewd thrust at your belly.
DOLL
Ah, you sweet little rogue, you!
Alas, poor ape, how thou sweatest!
come, let me wipe thy face;
come on, you whoreson chops:
ah, rogue! i’ faith, I love thee:
thou art as valorous as Hector of Troy,
worth five of Agamemnon,
and ten times better than the Nine Worthies:
ah, villain!
(Enter Bardolph.)
FALSTAFF
Have you turned him out o’ doors?
BARDOLPH
Yes, sir, and, as I came along,
I met and overtook a dozen captains,
Bare-headed, sweating,
knocking at the taverns,
And asking every one for Sir John Falstaff.
FALSTAFF
Now comes in the sweetest morsel of the night,
and we must hence, and leave it unpicked.
Farewell, hostess; farewell, Doll.
You see, my good wenches,
how men of merit are sought after:
the undeserver may sleep,
when the man of action is called on.
Farewell, good wenches:
if I be not sent away post,
I will see you again ere I go.
DOLL
I cannot speak;
if my heart be not ready to burst,
well, sweet Jack, have a care of thyself.
FALSTAFF
Farewell, farewell.
HOSTESS
Well, fare thee well
(Falstaff and Bardolph go out, the latter holding a light for his master. The stage is almost dark.)
HOSTESS
I have known thee these twenty-nine years,
come peascod-time;
but an honester and truer-hearted man,
well, fare thee well.
BARDOLPH
(outside)
Mistress Tearsheet!
HOSTESS
What’s the matter?
BARDOLPH
(Bardolph peeps through the door, holding a light)
Bid Mistress Tearsheet come to my master.
HOSTESS
(pushing Doll out as the latter is trying to dry her tears)
O, run, Doll, run; run, good Doll, run, run, run.
The End
