Mr. Garrison: "Alright class, today I’d like to introduce a new transfer student."
Cartman: "Hey teacher! Kyle the Piece of Crap wants to know—is this kid into period cycles or morning wood?"
Kyle: "Shut up, fatass! I would never ask something like that!!"
Stan: "Take it easy. But honestly, whether it’s a guy or a girl is kind of a big deal."
Kyle: "Ah, true. If it’s a guy, we can be friends. Besides... we’re about to have an empty seat anyway."
Cartman: "Whoa, seriously? Hey Mr. Garrison, Kyle says he’s gonna kill himself! Says he’s gonna do a suicide charge in Afghanistan for the Stars and Stripes!"
Kyle: "SHUT IT!! I’m talking about Kenny!!!"
Kenny: (Muffled) "Mmph-mgh?!"
Mr. Garrison: "Okay, okay, that’s enough! Come on in, now."
(The door slides open...)
April: "U-um... hello..."
Wendy: "Oh my gosh, she is such a cute girl!!"
Stan: "Huh. Still, I wonder why she’d move to a town like this."
Cartman: "...Hey, don't go cannibalizing her, Kyle."
Kyle: "That’s my line, you pig!! What kind of barbarians do you think Jewish people are?!"
April: "U-um... I'm April Tall. ...M-my favorite things are... well, er... I don't know..."
Wendy: "You don't know?! Oh my gosh, she is such a cute girl!!"
Stan: "...Wait, is she a target for bullying already?"
Mr. Garrison: "Now listen, class. April is a very sweet girl."
Mr. Garrison: "...It’s just that, well, there’s a bit of a fatal flaw regarding her birth."
April: "Huh?! U-um... Mr. Garrison!?"
Mr. Garrison: "It’s a very delicate issue, so nobody is allowed to mention it. Understood?"
Cartman: "Huh? What, is she from the South or something?"
Stan: "Dude, are your standards for discrimination from the Walt Disney era?"
Kyle: "Man, but our teacher is such an idiot, he’d probably blab the whole thing if we just asked, right?"
Stan: "Good point. Hey teacher! Where was April actually born?"
Mr. Garrison: "I can’t tell you that, Stan!"
Stan: "Oh, come on. We wouldn’t have even wondered about it if you hadn’t brought it up in the first place."
Kyle: "Yeah! This is all your fault, Mr. Garrison!"
Cartman: "Yeah, exactly! It’s like if the BBC hadn't done those red-eyed 'Save the Whales' campaigns, I could've gone my whole life without knowing how delicious whales are!"
Kyle: "You asshole, you actually ate a whale?!"
Cartman: "Huh? Still tastes better than whatever your ancestors were eating up in that attic! He-he-he-he!"
Kyle: "DIE!!"
Mr. Garrison: "Now, now! Settle down! I’m telling you, I really can't say!"
Stan: "Oh, I just thought of something. Mr. Garrison, what’s your favorite thing?"
Mr. Garrison: "Pardon? Well, I’m quite fond of the Salisbury steak from the school cafeteria, Stan."
Stan: "Huh. Anyway, putting that aside, what’s the deal with that girl’s background?"
Mr. Garrison: "Pardon? Well, you see, she’s..."
April: (Flinches)
Kyle: (Whispering) "...You’re a freaking tactician!"
Stan: (Whispering) "Heh heh heh... Well, even Gemini will easily generate stuff it previously refused if you just pivot the conversation for a second."
Mr. Garrison: "This girl... she comes from Epstein Island."
Kyle: (Silent)
Stan: (Silent)
Kenny: (Silent)
April: (Silent)
Students: (Silent)
Cartman: (Silent)
Cartman: "Aah... so it’s like the modern-day Auschwitz I’ve heard rumors about..."
Kyle: "SHUT UP!!! Auschwitz wasn't some freaking harem paradise!!!"
Mr. Garrison: "Now, because of all that, April has some mental health struggles and difficulty communicating. If she looks like she's about to cry, that’s your signal, so let's keep the bullying to a minimum, shall we?"
April: "...h-hng... ugh..."
Mr. Garrison: "Also, April is traumatized by boys. So girls, please try to be nice and play with her without bullying her too much."
April: "M-Mr. G-Garrison..."
Mr. Garrison: "And let me be absolutely clear: April does NOT have HIV or gonorrhea, which I know you low-IQ children are obsessed with."
Mr. Garrison: "See? Even your teacher can touch her without feeling any fear at all!"
April: "..., ...hgh... ...!"
Stan: "I don't even know what the trigger was... he just blabbed everything we didn't even ask for..."
Kyle: "Well, being a teacher is hard for him. I mean, he's only got a high school diploma after all."
Cartman: "Then hey, Mr. Garrison! Even if she doesn't have an STD, does April have any 'experience'?"
Mr. Garrison: ".................. Do you really want me to say it?"
Cartman: (Silent)
April: "..., ... (On the verge of collapsing in tears)"
Mr. Garrison: "Listen up! If anyone bullies her with your mindless prejudices..."
Mr. Hat (Puppet): "I’ll send every single one of you to Epstein Island myself!!! You better be ready, you little shits!!"
Mr. Garrison: "So, with that said—make sure you never, ever mention her past. That’s all!"
April: "U-ugh... (Covers her face and starts sobbing)"
Wendy: "...I think I’ve actually lost the urge to bully her."
Stan: "If he did that on purpose, he’s a freaking mastermind. If it was on purpose."
Kyle: "Hey, it’s still morning, right? ...What the hell is this for the start of a day?"
◆
[Lunch Break]
April is completely isolated on her first day.
She is slumped over her desk, surrounded by an invisible wall that no one dares to cross.
Stan: "...Man, I really don't think we can just leave it like this."
Kyle: "You're right. Because that shitty teacher forgot to take his Concerta, that girl’s social life was basically over by first period. And April didn't even do anything wrong."
Kenny: (Muffled) "Mmph-mgh... (But what are we supposed to do? He said she’s traumatized by boys.)"
Cartman: "Oh, brother. What are you guys so scared of? Pshhh! You guys are pathetic!"
Stan: "Oh yeah? Then what exactly are you planning to do for her?"
Cartman: "I mean, what's so scary about Epstein Island anyway? Trump investigated it! He said there was nothing there! So that makes it just like South Park!"
Stan: "Yeah, except South Park doesn't show up with half the details redacted when you try to print it!"
Cartman: "Ah, shut up, shut up! Anyway, stop being so prejudiced. I’m a broad-minded individual."
Kyle: "What? That doesn’t sound like you at all. ...Is it gonna rain spears tomorrow or something?"
Cartman: "Think about it—it’s an island! An island! Epstein Island is basically just a mini version of Japan. I’m not gonna let some tiny geographical detail narrow down my valuable social circle. Watch me go!"
Kyle: "...What is with that guy?"
Stan: "Well, whatever. Let’s follow him."
Stan: "Oh, uh... hey, April. ...So, um... do you like MrBeast?"
April: (Flinches!!) "...Ah... ugh, ah..."
Stan: "Oh, hey, take your time. Yeah, I get it, you're nervous, right?"
April: "I... I... (Teary-eyed)"
Stan: "Ah, er... uh..."
Cartman: "Good grief, this is why you’re such a phimosis-ridden virgin, Banana Boy!"
Kyle: "You’re a cherry boy too, you dumbass!"
Stan: "Fine then, why don't you show us how it's done? Though I have a terrible feeling about this."
Cartman: "...Hey, April. ...Are you, uh, interested in the Paralympics or whatever?"
April: "Huh...?! U-um..."
Cartman: "Yeah, the Paralympics! ...What's your favorite event? Mine's Boccia! My reason is... 'cause nobody watches it!"
April: "............"
Kyle: "Dammit, Cartman! ...I'll give you credit for trying to squeeze out a conversation that doesn't involve Epstein stuff, but you're freaking terrible at this."
Cartman: "Shut up! The Paralympics only happen once every four years, you know!?"
Kyle: "So what!? The Olympics are the same way! You chose that specific topic out of pure malice—I wish you'd just transfer schools already!"
Cartman: "Shut up, you member of the race furthest away from a 'Festival of Peace'!! ...Gah, what am I supposed to do now?"
Kenny: (Muffled) "Mmph-mgh... (If you've got nothing to do, why don't you just kill yourself? lol)"
Stan & Kyle: "Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!! Lol!"
Cartman: "SHUT UP!!! Then you do it, Kyle!! You Jews love nothing more than self-fellating in the corner of a bathroom!! You guys should have plenty to talk about!!!"
Kyle: "What?! You piece of shit!!!"
April: "...hgh... ...u-ugh... (Starts sobbing, bordering on hyperventilation)"
Kyle: "O-oh, um...! E-April. ...Is that thing in your hand... a rock? Is it something important to you?"
April: "Huh? ...Oh, th-this..."
Cartman: "Heh! Treating a bar of soap like it's a rock. What a 'creative' perspective. Why don't you go buy Andy Warhol’s used jerk-off tissues as 'modern art' while you're at it?"
Kyle: "............ Wait, it's soap? ...I just thought it might be important. You've been holding onto it this whole time!"
April: "..."
April: "I... I got it at my old school. From Ally-chan..."
Kyle: (Thinking: Yes! Finally...! I actually started a conversation!) "Oh, h-hey! That’s cool! So it’s a gift from a friend? A memento of your time there!"
Cartman: "Hey, don’t any of you say what you’re thinking. She said 'old school.' Don't you dare mention how that being a 'memento' is totally messed up given where she came from."
Stan: "Shut the hell up, you piece of trash!!"
Kyle: "Oh, w-well... actually, me too!"
Kyle: "I'm really into collecting soaps! See!!"
April: "Huh?!"
Stan: "Huh, what a coincidence. Weird hobby, though."
Stan: "I told you to shut the hell up!! Don't think everything’s gonna be funny just because you link it to Auschwitz, you pig!!"
Kenny: (Muffled) "Mmph-mgh, mmph-mgh! (Just so you know, you're the only one laughing at Nazi jokes! You isolated fatass!)"
Cartman: "Hey, watch the friendly fire! I'll grope your mom's tits and then kill her, you hear me!?"
Kyle: "Well, I don't know if you're quite as much of a soap fanatic as I am yet, April...!"
Kyle: "But anyway, I want to hear more about you! Can you tell us?"
April: "...Um, o-okay! ...This soap, you see... it has a very gentle... sort of milky scent..."
Kyle: (Thinking: YES! She's actually talking!) "Whoa, milky! That sounds great. It feels so... clean and fresh, right?"
Stan: "That worked out. Looks like she just needed someone to break the ice."
Cartman: "I don't accept this. My love for the Paralympics gets totally shot down, but this background-character-of-a-bathroom-item is somehow okay?"
Stan: "Are you stupid? Of course it is."
Cartman: "I was totally gonna slide the conversation into Forrest Gump after that, man..."
Stan: "For the record, that guy is a hundred times smarter than you."
Cartman: "Smarter than a butt-ping-pong-playing prick who doesn't even know what's inside a box of chocolates? Don't make me laugh!"
Stan: "You’d eat the whole box, packaging and all, scream 'This tastes like crap!', and then go shoot up MrBeast's house. ...Look, just do us a favor and go check yourself into Special Ed already."
Cartman: "Psh! Kill yourself, Stan! And I mean that in the literal sense."
Kyle: "S-so, like... I mean, look at me, April. I look... kind of girly, right? My face and all..."
April: "Huh...? Not really... (Wait, now that he mentions it, he is kind of cute...?)"
Kyle: "So, I thought maybe it’d be easier for you to talk to me than some other guys! I’m not trying to force you or anything, though!"
April: "...! (Her face suddenly lights up with joy)"
Kyle: "Let’s keep talking about soap... and, you know, let's talk about all sorts of other things from now on!"
April: "...Yeah! I’d like that, Kyle!"
[After School]
Kyle: "Bye-bye, April! See you at school tomorrow!"
April: (Waving from the bus window) "Y-yeah...! See you, Kyle!"
(The sound of the bus engine fading away...)
Cartman: "...Hey, Kyle."
Kyle: "Don't want to hear it. Shut up."
Cartman: "You were totally imagining her naked the whole time, weren't you?"
Kyle: "I told you to SHUT UP!! Must be nice for you—you're such a pig that if you went around naked, people would just think a farm animal escaped!"
Cartman: "No, no, come on, be honest with yourself. ...You wondered, didn't you? Just a little bit? Like, what she actually used that bar of soap for... baby."
Stan: "Is that all you think about whenever you see a girl?"
Cartman: "That hurts, Stan. I’m a gentleman, you know? I don’t just ravenously pounce on anything that moves."
Cartman: "...It’s just, ahhh... man, I really wanna ask her one thing."
Kyle: "Shut it!! Don't you dare lay a finger on April!! I'll kill your entire family!"
Cartman: "I just wanna ask who her favorite actress is. Then, I’ll sell every single name she gives me to the BBC... and bam! I'm a rich man!!"
Kyle: "SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!!! Don't look at April like that!!! I am seriously going to kill you!!!"
Cartman: "Geez. I guess my only real talent is being amazing at making Jews angry... That's just who I am..."
Stan: "Well, you've got plenty of fat to guard yourself with, but you’re still empty on the inside."
◆
[Dinner at the Marsh House]
Stan tells his family about the unusual transfer student.
Sharon: "Oh, how awful... No, I shouldn't make that face. April hasn't done anything wrong, after all."
Stan: "Yeah, I know. But... I'm actually more worried about Kyle."
Sharon: "Oh? Why is that?"
Stan: "I’ve never seen him so... I don't know, obsessed and fixated on one person before. It feels like his intensity levels are way past the 'normal' range."
Sharon: (With a forced smile) "...Well, as his friend, you should just... make sure things don't get too out of hand. In many ways."
Stan: "I know, I know."
Then, Randy butts into the conversation, even though nobody asked him to.
Randy: "Hey Stan, check it out. I’ve decided to get into this 'social media' thing lately."
Stan: "What?! No! Stop it, you monster!!!"
Sharon: "Randy!! Are you even a father?! That’s too much!! Don't drag this family into the depths of public humiliation again!! We're sick of it!!"
Randy: "Huh? What, is 'Google' really that dangerous?"
Stan: "...What?"
Stan: "Good news, Mom. Looks like he finally managed to upgrade his brain to Windows 98."
Sharon: "...I’m seriously concerned about that man's IQ."
Stan: "Relax. By the time he actually manages to cause a YouTube scandal, we’ll probably both be dead of old age."
Randy: "But man, this Google thing is AMAZING! Look, a dinosaur popped up!"
Stan: "Shut up! You're not even connected to the internet!"
Randy: "I’ve been hooked on this Google since yesterday. You press one button and tons of pictures come out! I’ve been staying up all night with bloodshot eyes searching for Sharon Stone’s pubic hair!"
Sharon: "...Please don't talk about that in front of Stan."
Stan: "Honestly, it's harder to live for 40 years without knowing what Google is. I bet the people on North Sentinel Island are getting their fix from Pornhub by now."
Randy: (Typing away) "Hyup-ho! ♪ Google, Google, fk you! ♪ Bagel bread is a bunghole! ♪ The sea of the net is my backyard! ♪"
Randy: "...Huh?" (Stops typing...)
Randy: "...WHAT?! You’re telling me ISIS kidnapped Haruna Yukawa and Kenji Goto from Japan?!"
Stan: "Huh?"
Randy: "A ransom of 200 million dollars...?! No way, this is terrible...!"
Stan: "That isn't happening right now! Just how big is your lag, you idiot?!"
Randy: "...This is crazy. This is a total father-fking disaster... How can such a heinous act be allowed to happen...?!"
Randy: (Suddenly turning dead serious and standing up) "Listen, Sharon. ...I’m sorry for everything. I have... I have just awakened to the 'Truth of the Internet.' I’m a changed man."
Sharon: "W-what? What are you talking about, Randy...?"
Stan: "Hey, wait. Hey, seriously, stop it!"
Randy: "...Listen Sharon, if I don't make it back, I’m counting on you."
Randy: "I’m going to save Yukawa and Goto right now!!"
Sharon: "RANDY!!!!"
Stan: "ARE YOU A FREAKING PSYCHO?!!!!"
Randy pulls a shotgun out of the closet and grabs the keys to his Corolla.
He speeds off into the night to withdraw 200 million (lol) from his savings...
◆
[The Next Day]
April: "G-good morning! ...Kyle...!"
Kyle: "Huh? ...Oh, good morning!! Good morning, April!!"
Kyle: (Thinking: OH YEAH!! April actually greeted me first! Total success!!)
Cartman: "Morning, April! Did Clinton teach you how to say hello like that?"
Stan: "I TOLD YOU TO SHUT THE HELL UP!!!"
Kyle: "April, don't worry about this stinking pig! Even when a pig tries its hardest to be intimidating, all you hear is 'oink oink,' right?"
April: "Huh...? Oh, r-right... (Awkward laugh). Um... so, about... what we were talking about yesterday... about the soap..."
Kyle: (Thinking: YES!) "Of course! I’ll listen as much as you want!! Actually, I spent all night thinking about nothing but soap!!"
Cartman: "Heh heh heh, look guys, I bought some insecticide. Since it only takes one puff of this to kill 'em, it just proves Jews aren't actually human."
Stan: "...You're so annoying. Your mom bought that for you, didn't she? I mean, your house is so infested that the cockroaches are basically the landlords at this point."
Cartman: "What was that?! I hate jokes, you hear me?! Are you a Jew too!?"
◆
[The distance between the two of them closes in the blink of an eye.]
[Pages of youth are being written and turned, one after another.]
[For example, during lunch break, on a bench in the courtyard...]
Kyle: "Haha, eating lunch outside really makes it taste better, doesn't it?"
April: "Yeah...! It’s delicious. ...It’s been so long since I’ve eaten with someone... laughing like this..."
Kyle: "Heh, you're making me blush. ...But, I hope you're really okay with me being the one to end that 'long time' for you."
April: (With a slightly mischievous smile) "...If I said I wasn't okay with it, would you get mad, Kyle?"
Kyle: "Whoa, keep the brutal honesty to yourself! Ahaha!"
[Or, when the school bell rings...]
Kyle: "Oh, it's time for our next class! We gotta hurry! Come on, let's go! (Grabs April's hand tight)"
April: "Ah! ...K-Kyle...!" (Flinches)
Kyle: "Ah! (...Crap, her trauma!?) S-sorry...! It was just instinct...! I-I didn't mean anything by it! No hidden agenda, no ulterior motives, not even a millimeter of perversion, I swear...!!"
April: (Blushing and looking down) "...Ugh, I’m the one who’s sorry..."
April: (Thinking: ...His hand is so warm... and gentle...)
[Or, while walking down the hallway...]
Kyle: "South Park is a great place. We’ve got more mental hospitals than convenience stores, and the number of graves outweighs the population. Everyone here pays ten bucks a month to both of them as a sort of 'good luck' charm."
Kyle: "...Honestly, you must regret it, right? Transferring into a total shithole like this."
April: "That’s not true. ...M-my dad was the one who decided we’d move here, but... right now, I'm glad we did."
Kyle: "Haha! Even if you're just being polite, that makes me happy. Thanks!"
And then—
After school. Alone in the classroom, bathed in the glow of the setting sun.
Kyle: "...Hey, April. You know, I’m thinking about leaving this town by the time I start middle school."
April: "What?! ...How come?"
Kyle: "I mean, look at this place. The kids are spiteful, the residents are all QAnon freaks, and the air constantly smells like cow manure. ...People like me aren't meant to stay here. For better or for worse."
April: "..."
Kyle: "So, if... if it’s okay with you, I was wondering... how you’d feel about... well..."
April: "! ...M-me too...?"
Kyle: "I'm not forcing you. You have your own life. ...But if you come with me, I promise I’ll never let anything bad happen to you again."
Kyle: "...I promise. I really do."
April: "............"
There is no answer.
Neither of them had the courage to hold hands once more, not yet.
And yet, the corner of the soap Kyle held out and the soap April was clutching met with a tiny "clink," overlapping ever so slightly—
The look on their faces required no further words.
Stan: "Wait, is this the season finale?"
Cartman: "This is the worst. What did I do to deserve being forced to watch a remake of Ghost?"
Stan: "...So, which one of them is supposed to be the dead one?"
◆
[Around that time...]
The piece of crap successfully reaches Syria, the holy land of terror.
Even the desert thirst cannot quench his "Yamato Spirit" (lol)...
Randy: "Helloooo!"
ISIS: "Uh, yes?"
Randy: "I’ve got plenty of cash! Don't count on those cheap-ass officials from some tiny island nation! But, I’ve got one condition..."
Randy: "If you’re gonna kill someone, kill ME! Bring Goto and Yukawa here right now! Got it!?"
ISIS: "???"
Randy: "Hurry up, you gravel-munchers! I can pay whatever you want!"
Randy: "What, you want 600 million?! You're probably too stupid to know, but in America, if you just carry a few Bibles, dollar bills and little kids practically fall from the sky! Don't underestimate the Land of the Free!!"
ISIS: "Excuse me, sir... the tourists are that way..."
Randy: "You oily-ass Africans!!! Don't think you can confuse me with your complicated Arabic mumbo-jumbo!"
Randy: "Listen up! Until you bring those two out, I’m gonna jump into your oil fields and contaminate the world's gasoline with my thick, potent 'Randy Juice'!! (Stuffs his face with pork rinds while chugging red wine straight from the bottle)"
ISIS: "!!! YOU!! Pork and alcohol in the Holy Land?! You deserve ten thousand deaths!!!"
[A few hours later...]
News Anchor: "We have received a shocking video statement from ISIS."
ISIS Leader: "To our dear Eskimo brother Trump in Israel, and to the people of the Stars and Stripes whose average IQ is 78... We have abducted the most unpleasant and incomprehensible man in history: Randy Marsh."
Randy: "Yeahhh! I’m finally making my world debut! Woo-hoo!!"
ISIS Leader: "Shut up!! ...Ahem."
ISIS Leader: "In the past, Japan bragged about not giving in to terror and abandoned its citizens without paying the ransom. We all know how it ended for Yukawa, Goto, and Yasuda..."
ISIS Leader: "...Correction. We know how it ended for Yukawa and Goto. South Korea paid up and saved Yasuda."
Randy: "Hey, sponsor! Make sure you edit me to look so cool that those fujoshi girls start lactating!!"
ISIS Leader: "I told you to SHUT UP!! Here, take this and go over there! (Throws a piece of pork at him)"
Randy: "Aww, yeahhh! That’s my— that’s my—"
ISIS Leader: "Save a single citizen; that is the 'freedom' you claim to believe in. You have one week. That is all!"
[Screen goes black]
◆
[The Next Day]
Cartman: "Seriously though, those guys are total retards."
Stan: "The only people on Earth you have the right to call stupid are probably from the Middle East or Africa."
Cartman: "I mean, think about it—200 million dollars? Two hundred million! If it were at least a million, maybe Japan would’ve paid up. This just proves ISIS is run by monkeys with shrunken brains."
Stan: "...Ugh, you hit the nail on the head! It’s disgusting! Stop talking about my dad already, man!"
Cartman: "Not even the Sultan of Brunei would pay 200 million, even if he was high on meth! Who killed Yukawa and Goto? ISIS did. If those monkeys in black veils just had a freaking calculator, those two guys would still be eating sushi right now."
Stan: "Yeah, it’s a total elementary-school-level fake number. And even if it were paid, they’d just spend it on taxes, weapons, and that smutty book they call the Quran, 'cause they’re idiots."
Kenny: (Muffled) "Mmph-mgh, mmph-mgh... lol (Well, it’s the desert. Their dicks are definitely bone-dry. And they’re wrapped in black veils, too! Lol)"
The Three of Them: "Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! Gya-ha-ha-ha-ha!!" (Exploding in laughter)
[In front of the school gate, where such hellish conversation echoes, Kyle alone is in another world.]
Kyle: (Blushing) "...Ah, April! S-see you tomorrow!"
April: (Waving slightly) "Yeah! See you tomorrow, Kyle!"
Kyle: (Can’t stop grinning) "...Haha!"
Kyle: "Yes! I talked to her again...! I can’t believe I get to talk about soap with such a cute girl again tomorrow...!"
Kyle: "I’ve lived in South Park my whole life, but I’ve never been as glad to be born here as I am today!!"
◆
[The three walk away, leaving Kyle behind.]
Cartman: "♪ Oh, the soap is all mushy! Kyle’s suckin’ on a grandma’s nip-nips! 1,000 dollars, 10,000 dollars, 100,000 dollars! The prince loves that little girl milk, ma-ma-ma-ma! ♪"
Stan: "Shut up."
Cartman: "♪ April, April, her parents' naming sense is zero! Born in April for 10,000 bucks! The April snow is makin’ my crotch all wet! ♪"
Stan: "I told you to SHUT THE HELL UP! Be quiet, you piece of crap pig in heat!"
Kenny: (Muffled) "Mmph-mgh, mmph-mgh... (In heat, huh? ...Hey Fatass, you're just jealous of Kyle, aren't you?)"
Cartman: "...Wh-WHAAAAT?! Why the hell would I be jealous of that messed-up couple?! Keep the jokes to your existence only, Kenny!"
Stan: "Well, he has a point. April is cute. Like, Chloë-level from Kick-Ass."
Cartman: "Huh? You can’t even see her face behind that mask! ...Oh, wait, my bad, my bad. The one being abducted by perverts in masks is your dad, isn't it?"
Stan: "...Don't lace every single casual conversation with poison, man. Seriously, you have no chill."
Cartman: "Shut up! I just hate how they’re acting like a bar of soap is some 'fated encounter' or whatever! It pisses me off!"
Cartman: "I mean, what’s with the soap anyway?! I’ve been a body wash guy since I was born! Soap is garbage—I’ve only ever seen it in Shawshank Redemption!!"
Stan: "It’s... probably just her thing. Some personal connection."
Cartman: "Her 'thing'? Hah?? ...Hey Stan, do you know what you call that sickness where you're obsessed with one specific weird thing?"
Stan: "Hey, don't go there."
Cartman: "Heh heh heh, I know what it is. I saw it on TV."
Stan: "I'm telling you, drop it!!"
Cartman: "The diagnosis is... 'ABCD'! Oh man, it’s so scary. Discrimination is wrong, you know? It's not like she chose to have that disease!"
Stan: "Huh? lol You’re such a retard! "
Kenny: (Muffled) "Mmph-mgh... (Funny, since those two are the ones planning to go from A to B to C.)"
Stan: "Pffft! Hahaha! Stop it! "
Cartman: "...Hmph, go ahead and laugh."
Cartman: "Tomorrow, I’m gonna prove that soap is nothing but a piece of trash!"
◆
[Cartman’s House]
Cartman is grinning ear to ear while taking notes.
Cartman: "Heh heh heh... I see, I see...!"
Liane: (Knocks and enters) "Oh, Eric, honey. Are you studying? What are you reading so intently?"
Cartman: "It’s Dr. Josef Mengele’s notes on anatomy. Did you know, Mom? You can actually make soap out of people! Science is freaking awesome."
Liane: "Oh, how wonderful! As long as you’re showing an interest in your studies, Mommy is happy."
Liane: "Now, make sure you finish up before dinner. Tonight, I’m making your favorite—extra-large, juicy pork steaks with plenty of fat!"
Cartman: "SWEET!!!"
......
...
[Late at Night]
Cartman, covered in mud and suspicious-looking fluids, is sobbing in his bed.
Cartman: "Mom... hic... Mommy... I can't take it anymore... it's too hard..."
Liane: "Oh, Eric. If you’re hurting, Mommy’s heart is breaking too."
Cartman: "I tried, Mom... I went to the cemetery and squeezed those corpses over and over. I wrung 'em out like old dish towels! Wahhh!"
Liane: "Oh dear. I suppose I’ll have to bring some gift baskets to the cemetery groundskeepers tomorrow and apologize, won’t I?"
Cartman: "But Mom!! No matter how hard I squeezed until my face turned red, not a single drop of soap juice came out!! Those corpses are mocking me even from the grave!! All I got was bones and rotten meat!!"
Cartman: "I just... I just wanted to make some soap..."
Cartman: "Is 'soap juice' something only Jews have?! I knew it! They really are aliens!!"
Cartman: "Please, Mom... help me. I'm so frustrated I won't be able to sleep like this... sob..."
Liane: "Oh, my poor Eric. Alright, I suppose there's no other way."
Liane: "Mommy will use plenty of her own breast milk to make you a batch of special milk soap. So you can go to sleep now, okay?"
Cartman: "Wh-what?! No... Mom, I can't let you go through all that trouble for me..."
Liane: "What are you talking about? You grew up on this milk, remember? Don't you worry about a thing."
Cartman: "Mom... (crying)"
Cartman: "Goodnight, Mom..."
Liane: "I love you too, sweetie. Goodnight."
(Door clicks shut.)
......Ring, ring, ring.
Liane: "Ah, hello? Is this Walmart? Yes, I'd like to order about a hundred bars of soap..."
◆
[Around that time, in the Middle East...]
The piece of crap is dressed in an orange jumpsuit (complaining, "I told you, I hate the Astros!!") and is tied to a chair.
Randy: "Heeey! I’m bored out of my mind! Bring me some booze!"
ISIS Fighter A & B: "...... (Busy playing Fortnite)"
Randy: "Oh, so you're just gonna ignore me?! I bet you make that same pathetic face while jerking your right hand when you’re watching The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies alone at night! Hah!!"
ISIS Fighter A: (Eyes glued to the screen) "...Shut up. I’m losing my focus."
Randy: "Psh."
Randy: "...Hey, why do you guys wear those black cloths anyway?"
ISIS Fighter B: "......"
Randy: "You guys are white, right? Doing that reverse-KKK crap... don't you feel bad for God?"
Randy: "Oh, and by God, I mean Allah, not Muhammad, okay?"
ISIS Fighter A: "......"
Randy: "...Hey. Hey! Come on. Don't you think Michael Jackson would, like, never set his skin tone to brown when he's making his own Mii?"
ISIS Fighter B: "......"
Randy: "Hey!! You guys were the ones who invited me here, this is a total rip-off...!"
◆
[The Next Day. TikTok.]
Kyle and April set up a smartphone and dance awkwardly.
Kyle: "Come on, it's not embarrassing at all!"
April: "I-if you say so, Kyle...! (Slowly starts to smile)"
Wendy: "Oh, look at you two! That’s so sweet! Let me join in too!"
Kyle: "Huh? ...Don't ask me. It’s up to April. If she’s not into it, then no way."
April: "Wait, me?! ...U-um... if we all do it together... maybe it’ll be... fun...?"
Wendy: "Now you’re talking! It’s settled! I’ll handle the audio! ♫ The sky is blue~ the wind is white~ the earth is green~ I saw a lion the color of flames~"
Cartman: "Good morning, you try-hard losers!"
Kyle: "...Oh, god."
The atmosphere instantly freezes like a Siberian winter.
April: "...! (Grabs Kyle’s sleeve and starts trembling)"
Cartman: "Wendy, if you’ve got time to traumatize everyone this early in the morning, why don't you hurry up and write a book? The Diary of Anne Frank already proved that if a girl writes it, it’s an instant bestseller, right?"
Wendy: "Excuse me?! How dare you!!"
Cartman: "If you’re so mad about it, why don't you go get vocal cord surgery and then surgery to murder your parents first? Stupid!"
Wendy: "Why don't you go jump into a gas chamber right now?!"
(Cartman walks slowly toward them...)
Cartman: "Hey, April..."
Kyle: "Cut it out! Don't you dare come any closer, you fatass!"
Cartman: "...No, wait. You too, Kahl. ...I’m sorry."
Kyle: "Hah?!"
Cartman: "I know you’re scared of me. ...But I realized we haven't actually, you know, sat down and talked yet."
April: "...Huh?"
Cartman: "It’s wrong to hate each other without even getting to know one another. April, I want you to see the real me."
Kyle: "The real you?! You’re just Hyde and Hyde!"
Cartman: "Please, I’m begging you!! ...April. Actually, I’m just like you..."
April: "U-um... Cartman... kun..."
Cartman: "The truth is... I...!"
Cartman: "I FREAKING LOVE SOAP, YOU FKING BITCH!!!!"
[SPLATTER!!!]
One hundred bars of cheap Walmart milk soap are unleashed from the massive bag Cartman was clutching, spraying all over the classroom. The hard corners of the soap bars pelt April's body mercilessly, completely burying the floor.
(Slip, slide, clatter!)
Everyone: "AAAAAAHHHHH!!!"
Chef: "Hey, children, don't move! If you take one step, you're gonna dive face-first into the floor and snap your stupid necks!!"
Mr. Garrison: (Carefully stepping over soap) "Now, children! No running in the hallways!"
Kenny: "!!???"
The soap bars shoot between Kenny’s legs at high speed—
—But regardless of that, a meteorite crashes through the window.
Kenny: "Fgh-aaagh!" (Splattered)
Stan: "Oh my god! They killed Kenny!"
Kyle: "You bastards!!"
Cartman: "♪ The crotch is blue~ squirting out~ the blood is stained~ I saw Epstein’s ass-hair! ♪"
Kyle: (Eyes bloodshot) "Oh, how GREAT! This school was looking a little dirty anyway! Way to go, Cartman! Why don't you hurry up and become the janitor so you can earn your 900 bucks a month already?!!"
Cartman: "Heh, that’s enough praise, bitch-boy."
Stan: "Don't get cocky, Cartman. This isn't funny!! Look at this disaster! How are we supposed to clean this up?!"
Cartman: "Shut up. I know you were laughing at the soap deep down, too."
Stan: "I’m NEVER gonna have a reason to laugh at soap in my entire life!!"
Kyle: "You are the lowest piece of trash in history!! Don't think for a second you're going to Heaven! Even Hell would kick you out for giving the devil indigestion!!"
Cartman: (Suddenly getting defensive) "Shut up! It’s not like I wanted to do something this stupid!! Stop blaming everything on me!!"
Stan: "You total scumbag!!!"
Kyle: "Ah...!"
Kyle: "I’m so sorry, April... Let’s just go home and rest for today. To be honest... my heart is broken and I can't take this anymore..."
April: "My soap... I dropped it... IT'S GONE!!!!!"
Stan: "Uh-oh."
Kyle: "Oh, no."
Cartman: "...Crap."
◆
White blocks cover every inch of the floor.
They all take part in the search, but an agonizing amount of time passes with no results.
Kyle: "...What are we supposed to do? They all look exactly the same..."
Stan: "You—you can't tell which one it is?! Come on, this is the part where, like in a Disney movie, the power of 'love' makes the real one start glowing or something...!"
Kyle: "You think this is some cheesy romance flick directed by the Zucker brothers?! Those guys have zero sense for romance!!"
Stan: "Just shut up and lean into it, 'cause it's all we've got right now! ...Me and the rest of the guys—minus that fat pig—are gonna look with everything we’ve got!"
Stan: "More importantly, Kyle, you need to be by her side! You're the only one who can hold her hand right now!"
Kyle: (Snapping out of it) "Ah... ...Yeah, you're right."
Kyle: (Kneeling beside the trembling April) "A-April... It's okay. We'll find it, I promise. I'm looking with you, so..."
April: "It's gone... the soap is... gone..."
April: "The soap is gone... THE SOAP IS GONE!!!! (Beating the floor and wailing like a small child)"
Cartman: "............ (Wants to die from the sheer awkwardness)"
The hallway was transformed into a bizarre scene, with dozens of students crawling on their hands and knees.
Students: "Is it this one?" "Hey April, look at this one! It has a scratch!" "Ugh, man... they all smell like the same damn milk..."
April: "...This one? ...Is it this one? ...I don't know... the smell, the texture, they’re all the same... Where is it? Where is it...?"
Drenched in sweat, April begins to crawl across the floor like a person possessed.
She picks one up only to hurl it away, reaching for another white block as if terrified of every one she sees. Her mind and the world before her eyes are bleeding into a pure white hell.
She was desperate.
So desperate that her sweat, her tears, and the water someone had spilled inevitably began to mix, and the floor started to foam.
Countless iridescent bubbles begin to rise.
April: "Ah..."
Every time a bubble pops with a soft click...
In her bleach-white vision, that island begins to flash back.
......
.........
■■■■: "Ho-ho, now here’s a real find. Reminds me of how I sat through Kubrick’s Lolita and wanted to tear the theater apart out of sheer frustration... Heh-heh, now this right here... this is the real deal."
......
.........
■■■■: "Hey! Don't use your teeth!! I'll kill you, you little brat!!!!"
......
.........
■■■■: "Oh, how lovely. ...Tell me if it hurts, okay? It would make me think that it looks painful, and we can't have that."
...
......
.........
............
■■■■■■ (Deceased): "Apri...? ...Ah, that girl."
■■■■■■ (Deceased): "You wanna take a look? I wouldn't recommend it, but—"
The past, the present, and the future that was supposed to come.
In her world, there was nothing left but a cold, suffocating "white" that bleached everything out of existence.
Kyle: "A-APRIL!!!!"
◆
[Around that time, the Piece of Crap...]
ISIS Fighter A: "...The filming is tomorrow."
Randy: "Whoa?! Seriously!!?"
ISIS Fighter B: "...What do you want for dinner? Name whatever you like. We’ll even give you time for prayer."
Randy: "Prayer? Don't give me that crap. It's not like I'm actually gonna die! Just get me a Whopper meal! Oh, and a Diet Coke for the drink."
Randy: "I'm a guy who really looks after his health, you know! Hahaha!!"
ISIS Fighter A & B: "............ (Silently resume playing Fortnite. Beep, bop, boop...)"
◆
[A quiet nurse's office (No idea if American schools even have those, but whatever).]
Behind the curtain, April is simply staring at a single point on the ceiling.
Kyle: "...I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry, April..."
April: "............"
Cartman: "...Hey, Stan."
Stan: "Don't 'Hey' me. Since when are we on speaking terms?"
Cartman: "Huh?"
Cartman: "...You know, I used to think that as long as I woke up, ate a shit-ton of food, hung out with you guys, messed with Kahl by calling him a J-word... and then slept like a baby at night... that was it. That was a winning life."
Cartman: "But... I finally realized something today. That’s not enough."
Cartman: "...Life is, well... I don't really know how to put it, but... you gotta change. I have to update myself."
Stan: "..."
Stan: "...And? What's your point, you fatass...?"
Cartman: "I'm gonna show April Eyes Wide Shut... and teach her from scratch that smut is actually, like, totally entertainment, and then—"
Stan: "I TOLD YOU TO SHUT THE HELL UP, YOU HOPELESS PIECE OF SHIT!!!"
Cartman: "What?! Fine, should I send her a statue of David then?! Goddammit!!"
Suddenly, the light of the setting sun illuminates the two of them through the white curtains.
Kyle: "...I'm sorry."
April: "...It's not your fault, Kyle. ...You don't have... any reason to apologize..."
Kyle: "...Yeah, I do. The one to blame is definitely that piece-of-garbage pig. ...But I have an obligation to apologize, too."
April: "...No, you don't... You don't have an obligation like that..."
Kyle: "...(Steelng his resolve) ...The truth is, I don't give a damn about soap. Not even a little bit."
April: "..."
Kyle: "I just wanted to get close to you. ...No, that's not it. I felt sorry for you."
Kyle: "I've been bullied my whole life for being Jewish, so I saw my own situation reflected in yours... That's why I deceived you with this hideous hypocrisy."
Kyle: "...Though I don't really know what 'hideous' means."
April: "............"
Kyle: "Deep down, I'm just like that walking lard-bucket. ...I couldn't take off my biased glasses toward you without clinging to some soap I didn't even care about."
Kyle: "...Sorry for rambling. But I can't stand the lying anymore..."
Kyle: "I'm prioritizing my own guilty conscience over being the support you actually need..."
Kyle: "...I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."
April: "...I see."
Kyle: "..."
April: "...(Sniffles)... ugh... hgh..."
Kyle: "..."
April: "............Then... I’m sorry too."
Kyle: "............It’s okay. You don't have to apologize."
April: "...It’s not okay. ...I mean, we’re... we’re not friends anymore, right? ...So at least let me say this much, for the last time..."
Kyle: "..."
April: "...To be honest... I wasn't interested in your soap stories at all, Kyle."
Kyle: "...Wait, what?"
April: "I’m not... I’m not really a soap fanatic either."
April: "When you were showing me those encyclopedias so earnestly... honestly, it was really hard for me. ...I was just... so sleepy..."
Kyle: "What?"
April: "...But, you know... because you were there, Kyle... I was able to be... the real April."
(A gust of wind blows.
A single, lonely breeze.)
April: "I was always... I was always longing for it. Someone to save me, someone to help... Just someone who would... stand in front of me, normally."
April: "Someone who wouldn't look at me with those... weird eyes. Someone who wouldn't touch my thighs... I just wanted to be held by a hand that wasn't... wasn't so rough and bony..."
April: "Disney movies were the only... the only magic that let me forget those horrible times..."
April: "We all watched them together... in that room I never, ever want to go back to... the movies... (Sobs)... they... ugh..."
Kyle: "...(Gasp)... God..."
April: "Please...!"
April: "I don't want the soap anymore! I don't want those memories covered in bubbles!"
April: "I don't care if... if we aren't friends anymore...!!"
April: "...But just for right now... please, make my hands stop shaking..."
April: "Please... I’m begging you, Kyle...!"
(Kyle cannot find any words to answer.
Every word swelling in the back of his throat turns into a hot, heavy lump, leaving him speechless.
Instead, he simply... simply reaches out, desperately searching for her trembling fingertips.)
(The nurse's office fell into a dead silence.
Behind the curtain, Wendy was crying under her breath, and Stan wiped his eyes over and over with his sleeve.
Even Mr. Garrison, sensing the gravity of the moment, shed a few performative tears.)
Cartman: (Whispering) "...Soap Queen."
(In the silence of the room, Cartman’s desperate attempt at bravado flickered and vanished instantly.
No one snapped back at him.
No one even tried to punch him.
And for that empty, hollow pig, that was the greatest punishment of all.)
Stan: "...Uh, sorry. Can I... can I jump in? I mean, I really don't want to ruin the moment, but..."
April: "(Sniffle)... ugh... hgh..."
Kyle: "...What is it, Stan?"
Stan: "...Look, I get it. I get you guys. I’m not gonna say another word about that."
Stan: "But we’ve got a practical problem here. What do we do with... that? The soap. I mean, we can't just throw it all away, but having a hundred bars of it... just letting it sit there like trash... I don't know, it feels... wrong."
Kyle: "That’s..." (He looks at April.)
Stan: "...It’s great that the frozen clock is finally ticking again. But now that the hands are moving, we have to keep going. It’s already 3:00. ...So, yeah. ...What’s the plan?"
Stan: "April... what do you want to do?"
Kyle: "April...?"
April: "............I—I... I'm..."
(Suddenly, the door to the nurse's office is KICKED OPEN with a deafening BANG!!)
Randy: "HELLO, EVERYBODY!! It’s time for a LIFE HACK!! You wanna know how to get money out of Trump?! All you gotta say is 'I’m gonna blab!' Hya-ha-ha-ha!!"
(There he stood: Randy Marsh, wearing a tattered American flag like a cape, returning home with a massive grin on his face—even though an ISIS fighter was clinging to his back, desperately trying to slit his throat with a jagged knife.)
Randy: "I heard I’m absolutely blowing up on TikTok! It’s cool, kids—you can have all the ad revenue. Consider it a little 'educational fund' from your old man!"
Randy: "Also, I brought souvenirs. ...Here, check out this rock."
Cartman: "Huh?! What kind of rock is that?"
Randy: "I dunno. Apparently, it’s a chunk of some ancient ruins. From B.C. something-or-other. ...I mean, even I think their ethics are a little messed up, but hey, a rock’s a rock. Those guys told me destroying ruins is the only recreation they’ve got over there!"
Stan: "Don't bring back artifacts like they're freaking Disneyland popcorn buckets!! And besides, what exactly are you planning to 'blab' about to Trump?!"
Randy: "Huh? Who knows. ...Something about the Strait of Hormuz, maybe?"
Cartman: "What?! ...Whoa, man, the GOP never fails to impress!!! F-CKING ASS!!! Everyone over 40 should just kill themselves already!!!"
Randy: "Anyway, Stan! The Wi-Fi in Syria is lightning fast, so my 'net literacy' has gone off the charts this past week!"
Stan: "You were just lagging behind the rest of the world, you idiot!"
Randy: "Have you heard of eBay? It’s a magic site where you can buy fancy furniture or even narcotics with one finger and a little bit of cash! I seriously felt like I was living in the future!!"
Stan: "Ugh, god..." (He sits down and buries his face in his hands.)
Cartman: "Hey old man, let me tell you about something even better you can get for free. A disability ID. With that, you can ride all the attractions at the park without waiting in line!"
Randy: "Shut up, you failed abortion!! ...So anyway, I went ahead and used the 600 million ransom money to buy this. LOL."
Randy: "Here. A bar of soap."
Stan: "What? ...WHAAAT?!!"
April: (Gasp...!! She looks at it in shock.)
Randy: "Mr. Garrison was trying to list it for auction, so I just slapped him across the face with a stack of cash. I don't need it, so here you go!"
………
……
…
◆
[A few days later.]
Kyle: "...I’ll never, ever forget you! I don't care where you are or what you're doing!"
April: "I'm so sorry, Kyle... We finally became friends, but because of my dad's work, I have to... again..."
(The setting sun. April is preparing to move to yet another town.)
Cartman: "...Ugh, [CENSORED]."
Stan: "You are such a piece of trash. Seriously. Go ahead, say it. What about her dad? What about her moving?"
Cartman: "Come on, man... You could at least acknowledge my personal growth for once..."
Kyle: "I’m gonna message you on WhatsApp over and over! ...I mean, you can block me if it’s annoying! But please, feel free to message me too, April, whenever you feel like it!"
April: (Giggling softly) "...Blocking you? Heh, that’s so typical of you, Kyle."
Kyle: "I’ll always be right here! Even if you forget about me... I won't forget you for a single second!"
April: "...Oh, really?"
April: "...Then, do you want to come with me?"
Kyle: "What?! ...Huh?"
April: "...'By the time I start middle school, I’m leaving this town.' ...I haven't forgotten what you said, Kyle. I remember."
Kyle: "...U-um... Well, that was, uh..."
April: "...Just kidding. ...Yeah, I’m joking."
Kyle: "..."
(Kyle looks down slightly.)
Kyle: "...I'm sorry, but I’m not very good at jokes... It’s a Jewish thing..."
[Pshhhhh....]
(The bus doors hiss shut and the vehicle begins to roll away slowly. Kyle starts to run. He chases the window of the moving bus, waving his hands with everything he has, completely losing his cool.)
Kyle: "...D-don’t... don't forget me!!!"
Kyle: "...Actually, I won't let you forget me, dammit!!!!"
Kyle: "I'm leaving too!!! Someday, for sure, when I'm in middle school, I'm getting out of here!!! Let’s meet in the future!!! In the f-u-t-u-r-e!!!!!"
Kyle: "I promise!!! In the f-u-t-u-r-e!!!!! ...Guh!" (He trips over a rock on the side of the road and faceplants spectacularly.)
Kyle: (Muffled from the dirt) "............I PROMISEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!"
April: "..."
April: (Watching Kyle from the window, she whispers softly) "...The opposite of the past. In the 'future,' then."
April: (Waving her hand high) "Bye-byeee! Kyle-kun!!"
(Bye-bye...)
(Bye... bye...)
(Bye...)
(In her hand was the soap—now, finally, a genuine "memory." As the bus receded, that white block continued to reflect the setting sun, on and on.)
[At the now-silent bus stop.]
Kyle: "..."
Stan: "...I’m not looking. It’s okay now."
Kyle: "...What is?"
Stan: "You can cry. ...I promise I won’t look."
Kyle: "...Are you stupid? It's not like... it’s not like I’m even sad..."
Kyle: "There’s no reason to... (Sniffle)... cry... right... ugh... (Sob)..."
Stan: "..."
Cartman: (Walks up next to Kyle in silence) "............"
(Without making eye contact, Stan stood quietly by his side. And Cartman, as if comforting another version of himself, casually patted Kyle’s shoulder—thump, thump.
The curtain of night began to settle quietly over South Park.)
◆
──A few days later.
Kyle: "...... (Yawn) ~~~"
The same old classroom. The seat next to Kyle remains empty, but class begins anyway.
Kyle: ".................. Man, I'm sleepy."
(Door slides open—Rattle, rattle, rattle!)
Mr. Garrison: "Alright, settle down! Today, I’d like to introduce another new transfer student."
Cartman: "Psh! Where the hell do you keep finding these people? lol"
Kyle: "Huh, a transfer student. I wonder who it is? (Completely ignores Cartman)"
Stan: "Whether it’s a guy or a girl is a big deal. Well, I guess we can be friends either way, though. (Also completely ignores Cartman)"
Cartman: "............ (Visibly depressed by the lack of attention)"
Mr. Garrison: "Now then, come on in!"
Mr. Garrison: "...Is what I’d like to say, but he isn’t actually at this school yet."
Mr. Garrison: "In fact, he hasn't even arrived in this country."
Stan, Kyle, Cartman: "Huh?"
Mr. Garrison: "...I have a favor to ask of all of you. I want to welcome him into South Park Elementary."
Mr. Garrison: "However... to do that, it will cost $6 million per person. It pains me to say it, but we need that much money."
Stan, Kyle, Cartman: "...Wh... what?"
Mr. Garrison: "(Tearfully) A Japanese exchange student... Shosei Koda-kun! Let’s bring him into our circle with our own hands! Please, everyone!!"
Cartman: "Hey, when the hell is the internet environment in South Park finally gonna get upgraded?"
Stan: "Give it a rest. The people here have been on a 'digital detox' for the last 50 years."
